Day 458: Pope? Nope.

The Pope announced today that he’s retiring February 28th because he just doesn’t have the stamina for the job anymore. I have enough trouble just being responsible for the chickens and Joe has nearly twenty years on me so I can completely understand his decision.

powerstripI heard a rumor that Lance Armstrong was called in to see what he could do about the stamina thing but apparently being the power strip into which over a billion Catholics plug their faith is even tougher than the Tour de France. Also the tabloid headline Pope Doping is just too tempting.

My ex came from a very Catholic family – nine siblings, one bathroom. One of her brothers was even a priest for awhile. When we wanted to get married she opted for a church wedding. To get permission I had to be interviewed by a priest. I told him I was baptized Catholic but it didn’t take. Both my parents were terrorized by nuns in parochial school. When my parents realized they had a choice they switched to Presbyterian.

I never attended a Catholic mass, never went to confession, never said a single Hail Mary. But with a wink and a nod the priest said maybe I wasn’t a very good Catholic but technically I was still Catholic so I wouldn’t need to go to an orientation class for heathens. I was a little uncomfortable but went along with it. We really put one over on good old God that day. Got Him on a technicality. I was surprised He didn’t see that coming.

cardinalsIn any case, I’ve decided to send the following telegram to the College of Cardinals:

It is with deepest respect that I must ask you to remove my name from consideration as the next Pope. I realize that I am a dark horse candidate at best, but having seen Angels & Demons, it seems stranger things have happened. My reasons for declining this honor are personal, but include the fact that I don’t think God has forgiven me yet for skipping that marriage preparation class forty years ago.
Best wishes, etc.


I hope my message gets to them in time. I wouldn’t want to embarrass anyone.

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